Not Insulted by the Non-Atomic Housewife War

I've always marched to the beat of my own drum. This makes me socially deviant. I am totally unpredictable, thus chastised as an absolute x-rated, emotionally off-limits, one night only, garden variety sinner. This isn't an insult. 

But It was at one time. 

The secret ingredient is Radium!

I wanted to buy into social norms. I wanted to care about wedding planning, calculating the perfect moment of child rearing, fiscal responsibility, managing an atomic household, catering to a patriarchal society, and giving myself vehemently to a protective and sound man. I wanted to placate the illusion of keep up with the Jones's, suppress my creativeness, stifle my abnormal and abhorrent self centered dreams, and strip all sense of individualism to paint a facade of the atypical American middle class mother. 

I had a Rachel Ray personality, a Max Weber philosophy, and a Sasha Grey sexuality. This character trifecta rendered perpetual cognitive dissonance: a self induced personality disorder.

Before we go any further, I will say this, I absolutely love my 2 year old son. He is raised with a non-religiously underpinned moral compass thanks to his cultural feminist fanatic grandmother (also a Sociology guru), and an entailment of common civility.

I currently reside in Limerick, Ireland on Erasmus (EU)/Study Abroad (US/CA.) I came here alone. I have a son, an ex husband, and a dog. I have this family. Even though I am divorced, they are still my family. I separated myself from my family to follow my dreams and finish my education. This is a social taboo. It is also quite deviant that I had a boyfriend. It is even worse that after that boyfriend dumped me (twice), I began seeing someone else here in Europe. Even though a few of those things are not in my control, I am shunned as some kind of social fuckup: someone who is attention greedy and unstable. Sure, I understand their presumption and, if I wasn't well versed in abnormal psychologies and the intimacies of being a total bitch (like those who judge me for trying to make my life better for my son and myself- or call me a fast lay and unfaithful after my ex dumped me, did I mention, twice?) I would be insulted. 

But that's all fucking non-sense, and I am sick of apologizing for the insecurities of the jealous, and the labels and degradation they transpose upon me as a guilt.

My wild life is like eating potato chips in the middle of church service. Everyone shuns the things I do, but secretly, they wish they could do the same. People like me (intense, intellectual, driven, charismatic types) are deeply despised because of jealousy. Love us or hate us, we really couldn't care less.

Thus, instead of constantly apologizing for my actions of separating from my husband, for temporarily leaving my son to finish my education, for feeling attraction to other men, for dating again after my ex dumped me twice, for oil spills in Galveston, and the troubles in Belfast, for everything ever in the history of time that is somehow entirely my fault, I am putting down my stiletto and saying a brave "fuck off." 

I am tired of harboring guilt instilled upon me by 28 years of constant bombardment by my estranged family that I am destined to fail. I am sick of jealous people who want to see me fail and find pleasure in my misfortune. I am tired of taking the judgement brunt of every obnoxious externally perfect but internally rotting miserable middle-class person who gave up their dreams to cater ignorant gender roles. That's isn't my theme. I don't pray in that denomination. I don't subscribe to that newsletter.

I despise this cold sexist categorization women have been labeled into, ironically, by other women. Either we are married with kids, we are prudes, or we are loose party animals. If we get a little tipsy and dance with strangers, we are sluts. If we have kids, our lives are over and our proverbial baggage is a ball and chain, our ears tagged with some random man's name. If we travel the world, we are unstable, unpredictable, selfish, and thrill-seeking. If we stay home, live modestly, and are straight edge, we are boring. We cannot do anything right. And why is it that we cannot do anything right? Because we are women, of course!

Guess what! I would rather be a slut dancing with a ball and chain of life experience baggage, a straight edge, "boring" modest homebody, and a well traveled college educated woman- than a stuck up, vapid, personality void, college drop out, gym bunny, prescription pain pill addicted, Starbucks inebriated, judgmental sheep, ready to mull over anyone with a Target shopping cart.

/rant /rave

While I sound fairly hateful, I am quite a happy person. My name is Kati and I am the only person ever who has encouraged me to follow my dreams. I am my own hero, and a soldier on the forefront of the Non-Atomic Housewife War.